Believe in yourself!
They seem like relatively simple words don’t they…? Believe in yourself… ok… sure…if only it was as simple as saying the words…
Today I had the day set aside to begin my Uni Course in Anatomy & Physiology. Everything was organised, I had made childcare arrangements, the house was clean, I had purchased a shiny new notebook and pens… and finally I had run out of excuses and had to actually take the first step and start my course.
I wasn’t really sure where the fear was coming from, but it was there, I was so afraid to start. It felt too big, too overwhelming. I remember from school how terrible I was at any sort of science or biology and the thought of studding it honestly terrified me. I was so afraid that it was too much for me, and that I wouldn’t be able to accomplish it… then what? Do I just accept failure, what would everyone think? What would I think?
Anyway, I think you’re now completely up to speed as to where my mind was sitting this morning.
So finally I bit the bullet and I started the course. Oh my lord, it was just as terrifying as what I had imagined.
I had absolutely no idea what I was reading… cells, membranes, atoms, organs, circadian rhythm, multi cellular organisms, homoeostasis, tissues etc. etc. the list went on and on… I did not have a clue what I was reading, what I was supposed to retain, how I was going to get through 100 hours of this and then remember it all for a 3hr exam at the end of the month!!
Total overwhelm swept in.
It appeared in my usual delightful way… heart racing, on the verge of tears, hating myself, doubting myself… and then nearly snapping my husbands head off when he spilt my cup of tea… hehe…. whoops…
Anyway, for the first time in a very, veeerrrry long time I acknowledge what was happening in the moment. I stopped and took a deep breath, I walked away from my desk and went into a place in my home that always brings me peace and just took a minute to re-assess the situation.
I realised that it was my own negative self talk that was putting me in this position. I had said right from the moment I found out that I had to do this course as part of my Kinesiology qualifications that I would struggle with it. Every time I mentioned this course it was immediately followed by a comment about how I couldn’t do it, wouldn’t understand it and wouldn’t be successful at it.
Enough.
I have committed this year to not hating myself, or putting myself down and this had to stop right now. Day 1 of 2018.
So… I apologised to hubby for snapping, made myself a fresh cup of herbal tea, put on my oil burner and filled it with some calming Rose and and Lavender oil, picked up my laptop and text book and went and sat in my beautiful happy space to start again…. and start again I did.
I literally went back to the very first message in the system welcoming me to the course and read everything again with a fresh set of eyes and an internal dialogue that told me that I could do this. I am a successful, intelligent woman and I can learn anything that I put my mind to… and do you know what… it worked!
I found a list of items that you should know after each lecture (which incidentally I’d missed the first time around) and I love nothing more than a list, so I started with the first lecture again and wrote answers to the 17 questions in that lecture. By the end of it I had my mojo back, and not only did I complete that first dreaded lecture and questions, I managed to complete three in total – two more than I’d planned – so I smashed that goal today!
So my message to you all today is to remind you that you can change at any point.
It’s never too late, and you are never too far gone to stop doubting and start believing in yourself.
Your internal self talk is so very important, and as I said in my new years resolution – it’s time for me to practice what I preach – so here you go. A real life example on Day 1 of 2018 where I turned that negative self talk around and had an amazing result.
Now I’ve got another 27 lectures to smash out this month and get another step closer to my dream of being a qualified Kinesiologist.
Watch this space – because I’m going to do it! 🙂
Much love my friends,
Stacey xx